Empty Pages

It was November of 2006 when I spent a week with my friends Bryan and Jeff at a ranch in Colorado. Horizonquest was the name of the program, Randy was the facilitator of our week together. We spent each morning in the library talking and the afternoons playing. It was at that ranch I shot my first gun and smoked my first cigar since an awful experience with a cigar in high school. We hiked, rode horses and generally had a great time.

Our talks were centered around the material found in John Eldredge's book, "Fathered By God". He describes various phases of our journey as men from Beloved Son to Cowboy to Warrior to Lover to King and finally Sage. With pointed questions Randy asked us to take time and write what our experiences were for each of the phases. Each and every time, with one exception, I came up with nearly empty pages. In many ways it was a tough week but I was with two other men I felt safe with and they, along with Randy, helped me begin to interpret some of the profound gaps in my life.

This past summer my Pastor has gathered a large group of men on Wednesday mornings to go through two books with one being Eldredge's book. While we've not been going through the material as intently as I did six years ago, I'm still at a loss as to those blank pages.

I recently came across this quote from Calvin: "Nearly all the wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts; the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But while joined by many bonds, which one precedes and bring forth the other is not easy to discern. In the first place, no one can look upon himself without immediately turning his thoughts to the contemplation of God, in whom he 'lives and moves' (Acts 17:28)." Much of my time in the park, at the picnic table each morning is exactly this kind of contemplation. The pages are not as blank as they once were but I do wonder, a sometimes painful wonder, at where this life is headed. Honestly, its been a rough summer. There are seasons in our lives like this, aren't there?

Little Letters

I have not written much here lately. I am not sure why but there are times I question if I have a "voice". Perhaps this is part of my lack of words here. I am not sure how to start. Something in our church culture bothers me. We live in an age where all too often the voices we listen to have little letters after their names indicating points of educational achievements. The more letters, the more apt we are to read and listen. I am not anti-education but I do wonder if we short change ourselves and the life within our church communities by not only not listening to the words of those less-educated but by a silent, tacit dismissal of those who do not posses a string of letters after their names.

I subscribe to a journal dedicated to Christ-like transformation. I get excited whenever I receive a new issue and take my time reading it's thougt provoking articles in each edition. At the end of each article is a small head shot of the writer along with a very short biographic statement. In the nearly three years I've been receiving this journal all but one of these statements lists degrees, where they teach and what they've published. The question that arises in my mind is, would I listen as carefully to what was written had the article been by someone less accomplished?

On a personal note, several years ago I was asked to apply for a position at my church. The person asking knew my lack of formal degree. The job description given to me included the language "degree desired". Due to this language I felt comfortable going forward. I filled out an extensive job application and had a lengthy interview with the search committee. The position was offered to and accepted by another candidate. When his name was moved forward to our Elder Board (I was serving on it at the time) along with a final job description, the language associated with educational requirements was altered to read, "degree required." At the time this stung deeply, but God's will prevailed; the man chosen was the right person. We have, in these years since, become good friends, a man I trust.

When I asked about the change in language I was told it was believed our church would not accept someone without a degree. Often I have wondered about this, coming to the conclusion if Jesus or any of His disciples were to arrive on the scene today, I fear we would not listen well to what they would say. From man's perspective, none had the educational credentials needed to be heard.

Again, let me say this, I am not anti-education. There is much value in being led by men and women who have spent time and achieved educational proficiencies. What I am saying is there are other voices to be heard as well, men and women who reflect a deep intimacy with God and a spirituality that transcends educational achievements. They have a voice as well. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, not sure if I would post this. Decided to go ahead and post this. Any thoughts?

WALK

Throughout much of the gospels the front man for the twelve disciples is Peter. He's the one who most often asks the questions I suspect the other eleven were thinking. He's the bold one who sometimes argue with Jesus or makes bold statements he will be unable to support. It could be argued we know the most about him from what we read in the four gospels. Personally, I like Peter but there are times his boldness, his brashness are a bit off-putting, I tend to shy away from those who are similar to Peter. I've noticed something about John's account of the life of Jesus. There appears to be a sub-theme to his gospel, not only is it a story of the Good News of Jesus' life, words and Passion but also the transformation of Peter is told as well. Its easy to find instances of Peter's brashness peppered throughout the four gospels. Also his foretold denial of Jesus is told in much detail in each of the gospels as well. Only John addresses his restoration completing the story of Peter up to that point. John tell us of two appearances by Jesus after His resurrection; one where all but Thomas are present and then the appearance where Jesus settles Thomas' disbelief once and for all. We can assume Peter is present both times but where is he? I can imagine him holding back; his shame, remorse and brokenness have silenced him, leaving him in the background, an unfamiliar place for Peter. Oddly, Jesus lets him remain in the background. The scene shifts abruptly in John 21 to Galilee. Its easy to overlook something important. Galilee is about 70 miles as the crow flies from Jerusalem where the two previous appearances occurred. That is a significant journey, especially when you are carrying a load of guilt and remorse. Imagine our friend Peter walking every step of those 70 miles with his shame. When he finally arrives at Galilee he does what he knows best, he goes fishing. I wonder a bit if he's not decided to go back to his old life, perhaps deciding he's unworthy of the Master's call on his life. Its at this point I wonder if there isn't something for me to learn here. When we sin we often confess, sometimes very quickly. There is nothing wrong with this but this fairly long time for Peter between his denials and restoration may illumine something for me when I fail. Jesus does not want us wallowing needlessly in our guilt and remorse. We do that sometimes thinking it makes us more "worthy" of His forgiveness. Sometimes restoration takes time. Jesus could have called out Peter earlier but He doesn't. Something in His grace and wisdom knows Peter needs the long walk home for his heart to be ready for restoration. This is the first example after the resurrection of how Jesus deals with His children when they do sin. This is significant. Jesus is showing how He deals in generous restoration with the very man He said He would build His church upon. The lesson I see here is there are times I must walk my own road to Galilee in brokenness before I understand more fully Jesus' grace and generous restoration. Peter was not the same man after that breakfast on the beach. He needed the long walk home to prepare for what was coming. There are times I need the same walk home to my Abba as well.

Martha

Yeah a guy is going to write about Martha, and in lieu of paragraphs I will bold the first word of where I want a paragraph to start! Yesterday was Mother's Day and after all was finished at my house, I wanted a drink. Instead I took a nap. Saturday my wife, Gail and I, along with two other couples threw a big party for a friend's 60th birthday. We didn't get home until a little after midnight Saturday. Gail had headed up all the planning for the Saturday event so we had not planned together Mother's Day. I took on all the planning for the meal and cooked. I awoke Sunday still tired from the previous day but pushed forward with the shopping for and preparation of the food. The afternoon was nice so we ate outside and I sat and realized at the end of the table across from me was the youngest at 14 months sitting next to the oldest, my mother at 88. We had four generations around our table of 13 yesterday on both sides of our families. In retrospect it was a good scene, somthing to remember as none of us know if this will ever happen again. As I reflect a bit more I am reminded of my own inner turmoil at certain points of preparation. My daughter brought two beautiful homemade fresh strawberry pies and my niece brought a delicious salad but the rest of the meal was my gig. There was a point when I felt behind and when placing a meal on the table you always have the rush of getting all the food done at the same time. Our kitchen looks large but there really is only one small corner where the food is cooked and plated up. I felt trapped in that corner as I tried to get everything ready and on the table. I became frazzled. Looking back on the tension I felt I am reminded of Martha. She needed help from her sister Mary and where was she? Sitting at Jesus' feet. I don't know if Martha understood Jesus' response to her when she pointedly asked for her sister's help but this morning as I was at the picnic table I was a bit amused at my own Martha-ness. The important image was the scene of four generations around the table, not the near chaos of my heart in trying to get everything ready. It is a choice for me, what will I choose to dwell on. After all the food is put away, the dishes are cleaned and the kitchen put back in order, do I dwell on my own pettiness or the faces around the table? I am not sure what Martha chose but for me, I will dwell on the faces and learn from the Counselor how to better set myself aside.

WORD

(I want to start by apologizing for the total lack of paragraphs.) I'm finding John 17:14-19 interesting in that the "word" given by Jesus may mean something other than what we easily think of. I just am not so sure we are correct in jumping to the conclusion Jesus meant "Scripture" as we traditionally think. Perhaps in our rush to think "Scripture" as we know it we miss what other possibilities there are as to His meaning. Scripture, as we know it, did not exist. What might He have meant then? John's opening words in writing his gospel offers a strong clue, a different perspective behind the meaning of Jesus' use of "word". The Word became flesh. John 1:1-14 is quite emphatic about this, it really is a theme that runs through and ties the gospel together. The context, the point in time captured by John in his retelling of Jesus' prayer seems important. Who had received the strongest rebuke from Jesus during His years of ministry? It was not the obvious sinners but the religious intelligencia who had turned knowing God into a long list of rules and regulations that were endlessly debated. It became a heavy yoke never intended by Father and a way to acquire and keep power and status in a theistic society. Jesus incarnation and ministry was not about showing a better way to do what already was being done. It was the real way to live in communion with Triune God. The curtain would be torn. Word became flesh with ALL the implications of relationship. If one reads this last recorded prayer of Jesus with eyes, hears and heart opened by the Counselor, it is stunning what He is saying. He gave us Father's word - himself. We are in Him, He is in us. the love Father has for the Son, a love that was and is before the creation of the world is in us, in me. John 17:22 says we have been given Jesus' glory, glory given because Abba loved Jesus before the world was created; it transcends time and is ours to live in. Having written this, I can only conclude the word He spoke of was Himself. He revealed the Father and we are sanctified not by Scripture but by Jesus, the Word that became flesh. This is important. Scripture as we know it, is not an end in itself but is the means to the end, Jesus. So when we remember, "Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin," the fulfillment is Jesus in us, us in Jesus. The key to dealing with sin is what Jesus did, and again, we are in Jesus. We are complete, whole and blameless. Although sin still is part of our mortality, it is not the over-riding factor we we make it to be. Jesus is. Living in intimacy with Him is our hope, our glory. Life is no longer about how to manage sin better but rather how to love Jesus more and letting Abba's love reign within. It is out of that reality that we stand complete in Christ when we are tempted, when we do fail. He does not abandon, He does not leave us as orphans and I don't believe He turns away. He is with us, even when we stumble, fall or wander off as a lost sheep. We can know the word (Jesus) if we listen for His voice. He is in us. He is in us. He is in us.

Paragraphs

or lack thereof...... augh! Blogspot changed some things and evidently I can't maintain any paragraphs I've entered. I've tried line breaks, line breaks and indents and indents alone. It's just irritating. If any readers are familiar with how to change this, please let me know.

Corinth #6

I'm not a good Baptist anymore. I smoke my pipe and the occasional cigar, I enjoy good single malt whiskey in the company of a few select men who can infrequently spout a few interesting words and I read writers not on "approved" lists, not that any lists exist but eyebrows would rise by some if it was known about some of my recent readings. I don't know what this makes me but when I read the first four verses of I Corinthians 3 Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly - mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? For one says "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos"," are you not mere men? I see the state of too many churches. Too often we become inoculated by the religion of church attendance and sporadic participation but aren't interested in seeing the jealousy and quarrelsomeness often running rampant. Too often church is about looking good to others controlling our image and figuring out how to control others in the bargain. We often only want to hang around those who read the same things we read and think, the same theologically passing tacit judgement on those outside of our personal orthodoxy. The phrase Paul uses just prior to the above quote, But we have the mind of Christ aught to shake us up and move us away from the simple boxes we seek to create for God. Unfortunately I don't think we easily give up our boxes. Over and over and over again Jesus challenged the religious establishment with His "breaking" of Sabbath. He inflamed the religious to the point they plotted and brought about His death. It was the only answer they had for Him, His words, His actions, His life. Now we have His mind. Incredible. I know this reads harsh. There is no harshness in my heart, only sadness. Are we really hungry for meat and not milk? I wonder what Paul would think if he could see the plethora of denominational divisions religious people have created. I think he was hinting at this with his phrase, "'One says I am of Paul,' another says 'I am of Apollos'". In our modern society fueled by the huge amount of information available to us on the internet we can find all manner of divisions. There are whole sites dedicated to pointing out theological error in others. I've heard from some who peruse those pages using what is written to condemn some of our greatest thinkers without actually taking the time to read the offending writers. It is very sad to me. I am learning to take what Jesus said about the Holy Spirit to heart. He will lead me to all truth, He will reveal the unsearchable riches of Christ. Yes, I might read some writers I don't 100% agree with, but isn't that what "meat" is about, the challenging of some of my own pre-conceived ideas about who Jesus is and the mind I now have?