Some days I spend a bit of time thinking about our God Image-ness. I think there are many aspects of this notion that we overlook. We live in a culture that, for the most part, views us a evolved animals. Of course I don't buy into that because we are told in Genesis that we are created in His image, the image of God. We are not gods but we reflect and are an image of Him.
Today I am thinking about speaking, our ability to form and create complex sounds that convey thoughts, the frivolous alongside the deep thoughts. Speech is important and I believe is one of our many distinctives that set us apart from the animal world. Yes, I think we can observe some forms of communication that occur within other species. My dog Murphy has developed a bit of a vocabulary to get me to do some things he wants me to do but frankly there really is no comparison and I think it foolish to attempt to make that comparison.
Speaking is important and powerful. If we are to take the creation story in Genesis literally - and I do - all of creation was spoken into existence. That is POWER! It makes me marvel and causes me to believe that our ability to choose to speak is an important, fundamental part of our God Image-ness, something to consider whenever we choose to speak. There is power in this ability, a power for good and evil.
This morning our Pastor was in the second part of a series on Freedom. He is starting out the series by speaking of our identity. This is so important. I don't want to rehash what was said this morning but rather tell of something he had us do. In our bulletin was a two sided page in color that listed on both sides many of the things Scripture tells us about our identity in Christ. It is a powerful list that I will refer to again in the days to come. What Scott had us do was read out loud each and every one of the identifiers that tell us who we are in Christ. It was powerful to hear the voices reading aloud the list.
We need to hear, in our own voices those things that we are told we are to help make them more real. There is something in the hearing that helps ingrain them into our hearts. Anyone who has done any acting knows that memorization is aided greatly by speaking aloud the lines as we try to memorize them. (I also have to write as I speak. Six years ago I was deep in memorization to prepare to play Scrooge in our production of A Christmas Carol and I wrote page after page of dialog!)
There is another aspect of speaking truth aloud that is probably more important but may be overlooked. We have an enemy, the father of lies whose native language is lies. There we are again, speaking, language and the power of language. Anyway, I don't believe our enemy can read our minds. I think he's had thousands of years of observing humans and has developed well all sorts of ways to disrupt us in our quest of living with Jesus but I don't believe he can know my thoughts. He will suggest those things that have worked in the past to get us off the rails and unfortunately, we all know he has some success in doing this.
He may not be privy to our thoughts but I do believe he hears our words. Our words are heard by the enemy. Think about that. This morning nearly 2000 people declared in the hearing of our enemy who we are in Christ. It was not just a declaration for ourselves and each other but a declaration of war. We are Christ's possession and do not belong to this world and the forces that are out to get us. John writes in Revelation 12 that we are hated for following after Jesus. We need to, at times, declare aloud who we are and what we stand for, especially when we sense we are being assailed by our enemy. Our words have power when heard by those that hate us in the heavenly realm.
I am not a "name it and claim it" kind of believer. I don't believe God works that way. I do believe that there is power in speaking aloud the words we read in Scripture that tell us who we are in Christ. Next time you come to a passage that says who we are, don't just give mental assent, speak them, declare to the heavenly realm who you are and who you love.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Myron
Several weeks ago I heard a sermon based upon Matthew 26:31-46, the separation of the sheep and the goats. The speaker treated the passage as parable. It appears at the end of a fairly long teaching to the disciples after asking Jesus about when He will return. Frankly, I am not inclined to view it as parable. There are parables in the proceeding discourse - The Ten Virgins and the Talents - that speak of watchful readiness for His return but I am inclined to see this passage as visionary prophecy. There is no "... it will be like..." statement of introduction that sets the stage for parable. "When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him..." sets the passage apart from the proceeding parables.
Some may argue this a minor point but I don't believe it minor at all. I believe Jesus is giving the 12 a glimpse of what is to come and some concrete ideas of what "watchful readiness" looks like in His Kingdom. Treating the passage as parable lets us off the hook allowing us to define more comfortably the issues of justice He lays out for us. I see this as a very uncomfortable passage.
I was reminded of my friend Myron. I knew him about 35 years ago when we lived in Minnesota. Through no fault of our own we nearly became homeless. Myron, his wife Joan and their two teenage daughters invited us to live with them for a few weeks in their basement. If memory serves me, my daughter was three and my son was a year old.
Myron had been captured by this passage. Again, if memory serves me, he was unemployed, he had time on his hands and the passage ate at him. Economically our nation was in a deep recession and he saw many were out of work, fearful and hopeless. He felt compelled to do something.
Sitting at his kitchen table, smoking cigarettes and drinking Diet Pepsi he started making phone calls. Myron had the gift of gab and a tenacious yet humble boldness. He called those he knew were well off and asked for donations of food to give to those in need. Word got out about what he was up to and he started getting calls from those in deep need. This little endeavor started there at his kitchen table grew to become Manna Lifeline. He headed up this non-profit for the rest of his life. Myron is home now with our elder brother and Lord Jesus.
Myron read the passage literally and discomfort at what he read caused him to take concrete action to address injustice. I believe this passage ought to cause holy discomfort that will shake us out of our complacency.
If one reads the passage carefully we can see some of what is important in God's Kingdom; hunger, thirst, loneliness, nakedness, sickness and those imprisoned, issues of justice. In every age proceeding Jesus' time on earth and every age since these issues have always been with us. Responding to these issues of justice takes on a non-optional imperative in light of how Jesus expresses Himself as recorded by Matthew.
Honestly, I am uncomfortable with my own complacency. I've not done all I could.
That day in church the bulletin carried a card asking for a response to the passage. Part of the card asked for an affirmative response to Jesus' call to accept Him as Lord and Savior. Amen!
The other part asked for a response to action in bulleted areas of ministry at the church: Administrative (ie Office Help/Phones/Typing), Hospitality (ie Greeter/Usher/Parking Posse), Physical Labor (ie Chair Set-Up/Gardening/Campus Clean-Up), Technical (ie Sound/AV/Lighting), Events (ie Decorating/Hospitality/Cooking/Clean-Up), Nursery/Children/Youth/LifeGroup Leader/Host, Visitation, and the ubiquitous Other.
As I sit writing and looking at the card I did not use, I am saddened and grieved. These are legitimate needs to be met by an organization that strives to be relevant to our present culture, but the point was missed entirely. Jesus' concern for justice in a very unjust culture was watered down, set aside, dismissed. Responding was made easy in a way that unsettles me.
I read the passage again and I let the words work discomfort that hopefully will cause action. Action on my part that is more in alignment with the issues important to Jesus.
Myron, I miss you. Thank you for taking these inspired words and doing what you could. Well done, my friend!
Some may argue this a minor point but I don't believe it minor at all. I believe Jesus is giving the 12 a glimpse of what is to come and some concrete ideas of what "watchful readiness" looks like in His Kingdom. Treating the passage as parable lets us off the hook allowing us to define more comfortably the issues of justice He lays out for us. I see this as a very uncomfortable passage.
I was reminded of my friend Myron. I knew him about 35 years ago when we lived in Minnesota. Through no fault of our own we nearly became homeless. Myron, his wife Joan and their two teenage daughters invited us to live with them for a few weeks in their basement. If memory serves me, my daughter was three and my son was a year old.
Myron had been captured by this passage. Again, if memory serves me, he was unemployed, he had time on his hands and the passage ate at him. Economically our nation was in a deep recession and he saw many were out of work, fearful and hopeless. He felt compelled to do something.
Sitting at his kitchen table, smoking cigarettes and drinking Diet Pepsi he started making phone calls. Myron had the gift of gab and a tenacious yet humble boldness. He called those he knew were well off and asked for donations of food to give to those in need. Word got out about what he was up to and he started getting calls from those in deep need. This little endeavor started there at his kitchen table grew to become Manna Lifeline. He headed up this non-profit for the rest of his life. Myron is home now with our elder brother and Lord Jesus.
Myron read the passage literally and discomfort at what he read caused him to take concrete action to address injustice. I believe this passage ought to cause holy discomfort that will shake us out of our complacency.
If one reads the passage carefully we can see some of what is important in God's Kingdom; hunger, thirst, loneliness, nakedness, sickness and those imprisoned, issues of justice. In every age proceeding Jesus' time on earth and every age since these issues have always been with us. Responding to these issues of justice takes on a non-optional imperative in light of how Jesus expresses Himself as recorded by Matthew.
Honestly, I am uncomfortable with my own complacency. I've not done all I could.
That day in church the bulletin carried a card asking for a response to the passage. Part of the card asked for an affirmative response to Jesus' call to accept Him as Lord and Savior. Amen!
The other part asked for a response to action in bulleted areas of ministry at the church: Administrative (ie Office Help/Phones/Typing), Hospitality (ie Greeter/Usher/Parking Posse), Physical Labor (ie Chair Set-Up/Gardening/Campus Clean-Up), Technical (ie Sound/AV/Lighting), Events (ie Decorating/Hospitality/Cooking/Clean-Up), Nursery/Children/Youth/LifeGroup Leader/Host, Visitation, and the ubiquitous Other.
As I sit writing and looking at the card I did not use, I am saddened and grieved. These are legitimate needs to be met by an organization that strives to be relevant to our present culture, but the point was missed entirely. Jesus' concern for justice in a very unjust culture was watered down, set aside, dismissed. Responding was made easy in a way that unsettles me.
I read the passage again and I let the words work discomfort that hopefully will cause action. Action on my part that is more in alignment with the issues important to Jesus.
Myron, I miss you. Thank you for taking these inspired words and doing what you could. Well done, my friend!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Ache
Three weeks in
it aches.
Surprised with
a heart
missing Mom.
With all
said,
done,
I expected relief.
Now
my unguarded
heat
longs for Mom
and the mother
she rarely was
but might have
been
deep
in her heart.
She was there
but could only
rarely appear
through the
thick
protective walls
hiding her
fears
her flaws.
Somehow
even
my own heart
knows
she was there.
She loved
poorly
but loved
as best
she could.
I long for
even that
as I remember
good and
difficult days
with Mom.
it aches.
Surprised with
a heart
missing Mom.
With all
said,
done,
I expected relief.
Now
my unguarded
heat
longs for Mom
and the mother
she rarely was
but might have
been
deep
in her heart.
She was there
but could only
rarely appear
through the
thick
protective walls
hiding her
fears
her flaws.
Somehow
even
my own heart
knows
she was there.
She loved
poorly
but loved
as best
she could.
I long for
even that
as I remember
good and
difficult days
with Mom.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Missing
Quite some time ago I wrote a blog post here titled "Wandered" written from the perspective of a sheep that has wandered off from the flock and needs to be found by our Good Shepherd. It has occurred to me that there can be other forms of leaving besides just wandering off from the flock.There are those who are missing and don't think they want to be found.
On December 2, 2013 I tried to call my older sister on her birthday. Her phone went immediately to "The person you want is not available at this time". I had a funny feeling in my stomach that something was up. Carla and I didn't talk often but this had never happened. I tried to call again for several days afterwards getting the same message. Carla has always lived on the edge financially so I assumed she was unable to pay for more time for her cell phone. Nonetheless I kept trying off and on for some time.
Fast forward to May 2015, Gail and I were at my younger sister Elizabeth's house near Seattle for a visit. We talked about Carla and both assumed the same regarding her finances. A few weeks after our visit I received a call from Elizabeth. She'd called the La Crosse WI police and asked for a wellness check at Carla's address. They'd gone by and found out she had moved out in April of 2014. This past week Elizabeth called Carla's phone number again and it had been reactivated, it now belongs to someone else. Elizabeth has a few more clues so this story may not be finished, but at this point Carla Meredith Bowers Everson Sipley is missing and apparently does not want to be found.
I have thought about reasons why someone does not want to be found when they go missing. There are many reasons but in the case of my sister I believe the most plausible explanation is shame. I personally don't believe our enemy has a very big bag of tricks to keep us separated from our Heavenly Father but what tricks he has are very effective with shame being the most effective one to drive us into self-imposed exile. It clouds our judgement to the point of agonizing darkness leaving us to come to some very wrong conclusions about who we are, situations we find ourselves in and God's heart towards us when we have gone AWOL.
I think of my own journey with shame and know it has caused much destruction in my own life and has at times kept me from hearing the Good Shepherd's voice. It can define us internally to the point that we believe we are unworthy of God's attention and if He does pay attention we believe He is the line judge in some cosmic game ready to whack us with a 2X4 anytime we stray. There just isn't any grace in a life driven by shame.
We are all surrounded by people driven by shame. What should be our response to those in our personal realms? Of course we need to speak of what we know. I am reminded of the woman at the well who left her water pots and rushed back to the Samaritan village and simply told of what she knew at that point about Jesus. We often make speaking about Him too complicated. Certainly we can speak simply about His presence in our lives.
I also believe something else needs to be at play. Do we live in the abundance of life that Jesus spoke of in John 10:10? Does the manner in which we live out this relationship cause others to be thirsty for the water Jesus spoke of to the Samaritan woman that day? I believe there needs to be authenticity between our words and how we live out the love so lavishly bestowed by Abba. Often, I find myself missing this resonance between words and actions. It grieves me.
I wish I had the opportunity to talk to my sister and tell her that I care, I love her and she was important to me when I was very young. Unfortunately I doubt she would be able to hear or receive those words should the opportunity arise for that conversation.
I also believe many also don't want to hear that they are loved lavishly. They simply can't believe it and choose to remain missing.
On December 2, 2013 I tried to call my older sister on her birthday. Her phone went immediately to "The person you want is not available at this time". I had a funny feeling in my stomach that something was up. Carla and I didn't talk often but this had never happened. I tried to call again for several days afterwards getting the same message. Carla has always lived on the edge financially so I assumed she was unable to pay for more time for her cell phone. Nonetheless I kept trying off and on for some time.
Fast forward to May 2015, Gail and I were at my younger sister Elizabeth's house near Seattle for a visit. We talked about Carla and both assumed the same regarding her finances. A few weeks after our visit I received a call from Elizabeth. She'd called the La Crosse WI police and asked for a wellness check at Carla's address. They'd gone by and found out she had moved out in April of 2014. This past week Elizabeth called Carla's phone number again and it had been reactivated, it now belongs to someone else. Elizabeth has a few more clues so this story may not be finished, but at this point Carla Meredith Bowers Everson Sipley is missing and apparently does not want to be found.
I have thought about reasons why someone does not want to be found when they go missing. There are many reasons but in the case of my sister I believe the most plausible explanation is shame. I personally don't believe our enemy has a very big bag of tricks to keep us separated from our Heavenly Father but what tricks he has are very effective with shame being the most effective one to drive us into self-imposed exile. It clouds our judgement to the point of agonizing darkness leaving us to come to some very wrong conclusions about who we are, situations we find ourselves in and God's heart towards us when we have gone AWOL.
I think of my own journey with shame and know it has caused much destruction in my own life and has at times kept me from hearing the Good Shepherd's voice. It can define us internally to the point that we believe we are unworthy of God's attention and if He does pay attention we believe He is the line judge in some cosmic game ready to whack us with a 2X4 anytime we stray. There just isn't any grace in a life driven by shame.
We are all surrounded by people driven by shame. What should be our response to those in our personal realms? Of course we need to speak of what we know. I am reminded of the woman at the well who left her water pots and rushed back to the Samaritan village and simply told of what she knew at that point about Jesus. We often make speaking about Him too complicated. Certainly we can speak simply about His presence in our lives.
I also believe something else needs to be at play. Do we live in the abundance of life that Jesus spoke of in John 10:10? Does the manner in which we live out this relationship cause others to be thirsty for the water Jesus spoke of to the Samaritan woman that day? I believe there needs to be authenticity between our words and how we live out the love so lavishly bestowed by Abba. Often, I find myself missing this resonance between words and actions. It grieves me.
I wish I had the opportunity to talk to my sister and tell her that I care, I love her and she was important to me when I was very young. Unfortunately I doubt she would be able to hear or receive those words should the opportunity arise for that conversation.
I also believe many also don't want to hear that they are loved lavishly. They simply can't believe it and choose to remain missing.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Tightrope
We've all seen it, the tightrope walker slowly making his way across the taught wire. It wasn't that long ago when Wallenda did his precarious walk across the Grand Canyon. Frankly, I didn't watch it. I can't go that long holding my breath as I am sure I would find it hard to breathe watching something like that. Of course I would breathe, but they would not be easy, relaxed breaths.
Think of the actual act of walking a tightrope. It would require years of practice balancing oneself on the thin wire. Special shoes are required along with a balance beam but those are the least of the required tools necessary for such a feat. Intense concentration is necessary as the feet, legs, body and arms all pour information into a brain that must not lapse into anything other than the cautious step by step progress across the wire. Again, years of practice is required to do such a thing.
Imagine now you are told you're next across the wire; it is required of you for some odd reason. Take a moment and think what would race through your mind if you were told you must do this. I've sat here a few moments with the cursor blinking at me trying to conjure up how this might feel. The panic I come up with is just the tip of the iceberg of responses I am sure I would have if faced with this requirement.
I recently heard this definition: SPIRITUAL FREEDOM = Walking the tightrope between license & legalism.
Again, I've let the cursor blink at me as I try to gather my thoughts, thoughts I've had off and on ever since hearing this. I am half tempted to just let this go and ask for responses from anyone who feels prompted to enter into a discussion regarding this statement.
My first gut reaction was to question the statement as being completely devoid of grace. I then started to entertain what living this way would look like. The precarious nature of this kind of life would require constant vigilance about each and every step I took. There would be no time for anything but the required vigilance if I am to enjoy this "freedom". Think of how incredibly narrow this freedom is. How does this kind of living look when laid alongside John 10:10 abundant life? I can't reconcile these two images and yet the abundant life is why Jesus came. If this is what following Jesus leads me to, then I must respond with, "Sorry, I will pass on this offer of 'life'," and look for something else.
Fortunately, I see something entirely different in the full work and ministry of Jesus. We are in Him and He is in us. For this to happen, something profound must occur in our hearts for this kind of abiding to occur. Paul tells us we are new creatures in Christ. I don't think it is understating it to put it this way, we are an entirely new species when we make the decision to let Him be our Lord. We are given a new heart. Our old, deceitful heart is changed and it becomes the dwelling place of His Spirit. Jesus told his followers He had to leave so that the Spirit would come and lead us into all truth, encourage us and be the Holy companion we will always have to live this abundant, full life. Without understanding this truth, the new heart, we are left to our own devices to figure this new life out and I can see how one might begin to think that we are led to a tightrope kind of existence.
I am also reminded of Jesus telling us the way is narrow and few will find it. This is true, to be sure, as He said we would be misunderstood and hated by this world for following Him. I believe that is what He meant by this being a narrow way, "I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me" is how He explained this narrow way. One thing I have noticed about this way is that it only seems narrow when I stand at the edge and look at the things I am asked to reject. If I turn away from the edge and look at the place He has placed me I find spaciousness and peace in the grace of His full forgiveness of my past, present and future failings.
In Psalm 18 David writes of God's rescue of him from a very bad situation, Death was encircling him and he was mired in a deep pit of despair. He called out to God and God mounted an incredible rescue operation culminating in God placing David in a spacious place of safety. This notion of freedom being a tightrope offers no space and no safety.
My stated reason for writing this blog is that I am a regular guy looking for transcendence in this ordinary life. I find no room for this "looking" if I am meant to walk a tightrope teetering between license and legalism. My entire focus would need to be on that impossibly narrow cord.
Thankfully we don't have to live this way. We are people of grace. This is a life of love we've entered into, loving God with our whole hearts, minds and strengths and when we fall in love with our Creator and believe we've been made new, we can then strike out on the journey He calls us into knowing we do not live under condemnation. Sin management is no longer the goal. Rather it is believing we are a new species that can and will hear His still small voice to guide us into all life and truth. Frankly, I am skipping down the spacious road He's giving me.
Hopefully any who read this will see this as well.
Think of the actual act of walking a tightrope. It would require years of practice balancing oneself on the thin wire. Special shoes are required along with a balance beam but those are the least of the required tools necessary for such a feat. Intense concentration is necessary as the feet, legs, body and arms all pour information into a brain that must not lapse into anything other than the cautious step by step progress across the wire. Again, years of practice is required to do such a thing.
Imagine now you are told you're next across the wire; it is required of you for some odd reason. Take a moment and think what would race through your mind if you were told you must do this. I've sat here a few moments with the cursor blinking at me trying to conjure up how this might feel. The panic I come up with is just the tip of the iceberg of responses I am sure I would have if faced with this requirement.
I recently heard this definition: SPIRITUAL FREEDOM = Walking the tightrope between license & legalism.
Again, I've let the cursor blink at me as I try to gather my thoughts, thoughts I've had off and on ever since hearing this. I am half tempted to just let this go and ask for responses from anyone who feels prompted to enter into a discussion regarding this statement.
My first gut reaction was to question the statement as being completely devoid of grace. I then started to entertain what living this way would look like. The precarious nature of this kind of life would require constant vigilance about each and every step I took. There would be no time for anything but the required vigilance if I am to enjoy this "freedom". Think of how incredibly narrow this freedom is. How does this kind of living look when laid alongside John 10:10 abundant life? I can't reconcile these two images and yet the abundant life is why Jesus came. If this is what following Jesus leads me to, then I must respond with, "Sorry, I will pass on this offer of 'life'," and look for something else.
Fortunately, I see something entirely different in the full work and ministry of Jesus. We are in Him and He is in us. For this to happen, something profound must occur in our hearts for this kind of abiding to occur. Paul tells us we are new creatures in Christ. I don't think it is understating it to put it this way, we are an entirely new species when we make the decision to let Him be our Lord. We are given a new heart. Our old, deceitful heart is changed and it becomes the dwelling place of His Spirit. Jesus told his followers He had to leave so that the Spirit would come and lead us into all truth, encourage us and be the Holy companion we will always have to live this abundant, full life. Without understanding this truth, the new heart, we are left to our own devices to figure this new life out and I can see how one might begin to think that we are led to a tightrope kind of existence.
I am also reminded of Jesus telling us the way is narrow and few will find it. This is true, to be sure, as He said we would be misunderstood and hated by this world for following Him. I believe that is what He meant by this being a narrow way, "I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me" is how He explained this narrow way. One thing I have noticed about this way is that it only seems narrow when I stand at the edge and look at the things I am asked to reject. If I turn away from the edge and look at the place He has placed me I find spaciousness and peace in the grace of His full forgiveness of my past, present and future failings.
In Psalm 18 David writes of God's rescue of him from a very bad situation, Death was encircling him and he was mired in a deep pit of despair. He called out to God and God mounted an incredible rescue operation culminating in God placing David in a spacious place of safety. This notion of freedom being a tightrope offers no space and no safety.
My stated reason for writing this blog is that I am a regular guy looking for transcendence in this ordinary life. I find no room for this "looking" if I am meant to walk a tightrope teetering between license and legalism. My entire focus would need to be on that impossibly narrow cord.
Thankfully we don't have to live this way. We are people of grace. This is a life of love we've entered into, loving God with our whole hearts, minds and strengths and when we fall in love with our Creator and believe we've been made new, we can then strike out on the journey He calls us into knowing we do not live under condemnation. Sin management is no longer the goal. Rather it is believing we are a new species that can and will hear His still small voice to guide us into all life and truth. Frankly, I am skipping down the spacious road He's giving me.
Hopefully any who read this will see this as well.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Threshold Part 2
Nearly all my papers are complete and turned in, I finished my last course last week and my last week of the program is a residency week in Southern California the week after Thanksgiving. My time in this threshold is nearly done. It is time to move into whatever room is on the other side of this protracted time.
It has been a very good time for me. So much has been learned and I am coming away with a deep sense of affirmation for this calling into working with folk as a Spiritual Director. A new community of like-minded people has formed with the other cohorts in this program and I come away with three directees that I feel blessed and honored to work with. This year has flown by.
As many of you know, I spend my early mornings at a park on my way to work. It is there this incredible intimacy with God has blossomed and flourished these past nearly eleven years. The past 5 years have been consumed with working in this realm of Spiritual Direction, the first 4 years with my friend and mentor, Tara and the last year this intense time in this program.
Last week I sat with God and listened to where my time in the park will go. Frankly, I am not sure. I will probably move back into the rhythm I had with Him before this endeavor started; Bible open, journal at hand and a pen in my hand writing what flows between Abba and myself. I am looking forward to this but I do know this God of mystery will probably throw me some wonderful curves.
One day, late in my time at the park a low fog formed. I looked westward from my chair and noticed I could not see very far. The golden morning sun had started to make its way above the Sierra mountains behind me. The golden light was illuminating the trees above the low forming fog letting me see them clearly. It was a beautiful picture of what I am feeling right now.
I don't know specifically what the coming days hold after all this work. I have some doors to knock on to see if they open as I develop my practice but I still don't know what shape that will take. Some opportunities are already coming up but what is "out there" is still foggy for me. The illuminated trees represent God's light. If I look up, I can see there is something beyond the fog. I still need to navigate the clouded future but I felt a strong and compelling peace about where He is leading me.
I will say though I am anxious. Its interesting that peace and some anxiety can co-exist but isn't that just like our Heavenly Father? This infinite Other will always be able to surprise us if we but trust and love Him.
I think my anxiety comes from being comfortable in this threshold space that I must now depart. What is in the fog? What new adventures are out there? Its exciting though.
It has been a very good time for me. So much has been learned and I am coming away with a deep sense of affirmation for this calling into working with folk as a Spiritual Director. A new community of like-minded people has formed with the other cohorts in this program and I come away with three directees that I feel blessed and honored to work with. This year has flown by.
As many of you know, I spend my early mornings at a park on my way to work. It is there this incredible intimacy with God has blossomed and flourished these past nearly eleven years. The past 5 years have been consumed with working in this realm of Spiritual Direction, the first 4 years with my friend and mentor, Tara and the last year this intense time in this program.
Last week I sat with God and listened to where my time in the park will go. Frankly, I am not sure. I will probably move back into the rhythm I had with Him before this endeavor started; Bible open, journal at hand and a pen in my hand writing what flows between Abba and myself. I am looking forward to this but I do know this God of mystery will probably throw me some wonderful curves.
One day, late in my time at the park a low fog formed. I looked westward from my chair and noticed I could not see very far. The golden morning sun had started to make its way above the Sierra mountains behind me. The golden light was illuminating the trees above the low forming fog letting me see them clearly. It was a beautiful picture of what I am feeling right now.
I don't know specifically what the coming days hold after all this work. I have some doors to knock on to see if they open as I develop my practice but I still don't know what shape that will take. Some opportunities are already coming up but what is "out there" is still foggy for me. The illuminated trees represent God's light. If I look up, I can see there is something beyond the fog. I still need to navigate the clouded future but I felt a strong and compelling peace about where He is leading me.
I will say though I am anxious. Its interesting that peace and some anxiety can co-exist but isn't that just like our Heavenly Father? This infinite Other will always be able to surprise us if we but trust and love Him.
I think my anxiety comes from being comfortable in this threshold space that I must now depart. What is in the fog? What new adventures are out there? Its exciting though.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Mom Part Two
I was a little surprised at the response to my previous post here regarding my mother. Thank you all for your kind words and some stories I've heard regarding your own relationship with your mothers.
Mom was discharged Friday and is home. She is still weak and we've found someone who can help her with the things she will need done for her. We are hoping her strength will increase enough for her to make the trek to the dining room where her meals are served.
Friday evening we received word that my father-in-law was being hospitalized. Frankly it feels like my mother and Gail's father are in a race to the end.
Both Gail and I are spent. I can't remember feeling so tired after doing so little. I've slept some this weekend but am still just dragging. We are empty.
Emptiness is something we Christ followers try to avoid thinking something is wrong, after all Christ is to be our sufficiency, right? We feel guilty, like we are disconnected from Him in some way and therefore are empty. We see the disconnect only and try to fix it with the usual fixes, prayer, scripture, church attendance, involvement.
I am finding in my empty state a consolation with Christ. Were there not times as recorded in scripture that He needed to be alone? Did He not feel the emptiness that sometimes assails us as we travel through difficult life experiences? The consolation of His presence in these days is one of simply sitting with Him in the emptiness. I don't even have the strength to try to fill it.
That lack of strength has brought about a deeper dependence upon Him, a dependence I would not experience if I still had the strength to try to re-arrange my emptiness to make it look more acceptable to my own harsh way of self-evaluation.
I am again, still in a very odd oasis.
Mom was discharged Friday and is home. She is still weak and we've found someone who can help her with the things she will need done for her. We are hoping her strength will increase enough for her to make the trek to the dining room where her meals are served.
Friday evening we received word that my father-in-law was being hospitalized. Frankly it feels like my mother and Gail's father are in a race to the end.
Both Gail and I are spent. I can't remember feeling so tired after doing so little. I've slept some this weekend but am still just dragging. We are empty.
Emptiness is something we Christ followers try to avoid thinking something is wrong, after all Christ is to be our sufficiency, right? We feel guilty, like we are disconnected from Him in some way and therefore are empty. We see the disconnect only and try to fix it with the usual fixes, prayer, scripture, church attendance, involvement.
I am finding in my empty state a consolation with Christ. Were there not times as recorded in scripture that He needed to be alone? Did He not feel the emptiness that sometimes assails us as we travel through difficult life experiences? The consolation of His presence in these days is one of simply sitting with Him in the emptiness. I don't even have the strength to try to fill it.
That lack of strength has brought about a deeper dependence upon Him, a dependence I would not experience if I still had the strength to try to re-arrange my emptiness to make it look more acceptable to my own harsh way of self-evaluation.
I am again, still in a very odd oasis.
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