I am hungry. Hungry for "something", a something I can't find. I'm wandering about in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinet doors, eating a bite of this or a bite of that but the "something" remains elusive.
As one who eats at times out of emotion and not need, I know this experience, the foraging for the snack that makes the hunger go away, transitory satisfaction. I've stood before the open doored refrigerator finding tubs of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" (really, your taste buds are that bad!), a large pickle jar with one and a half pickles semi-floating languidly in the brine, one third of a plastic jug of 2% milk and the ever-present blackened-red sticky-top ketchup bottle. There is more, of course, but nothing grabs me.
I'm not speaking of that kind of hunger though, but rather a spiritual hunger. I came to the park this morning with a deadness gnawing at my heart. I sat in the holybluemazdapickup for a few minutes then forced myself to haul out my folding chair, green book bag, thermos and travel mug of coffee and sat myself down, my own early morning liturgy. I've been at this place of opposition before, someone doesn't like my time with Abba in the morning. So I attempted to push through a little bit.
I pulled out a book my Wednesday Men's group is using, Truefaced, and began to read. Nothing. "This isn't working", I thought. I pulled out my Bible and opened to Job, a book I've been reading off and on for several months. Read a chapter or two, then moved on to Psalms - 8, 38, 68, 98. Nothing. Nothing answered the spiritual snacking I'd been partaking in. Still hungry.
"Do you trust me - in the hunger?"
The question arose in my heart. I said yes, I don't want to snack myself to some false sense of satisfaction when staying hungry might be where He wants me. I've done that kind of snacking before. Today I sensed Him asking me to simply remain in the hunger and trust Him, wherever it leads.
I packed up the chair, book bag, coffee mug and thermos, almost got in the holybluemazdapickup and drove off but decided to take one little stroll. "What are you hungry for?" arose so I spent the next few minutes talking to Him about what I AM hungry for: my son's heart, his wife's walk with Abba, my daughter's job search and the toll it's taking on her, a friend in Kansas who has begun a battle against cancer, another friend in Florida who has battled valiantly for his three children and the church he leads, for dear friends who will be saying goodbye to a son who is moving a few hundred miles away, another couple who are living under the tension of a loved one in active (very active) duty in the military, my wife and our marriage...... I am hungry for a lot of things, places and people. Sometimes being hungry is a good thing.
