At the start of this year I asked God for a word for the year. I'd done this the prior year and the word GRACE was offered. This year I sensed three words, Isaiah, Simeon and Trajectory. Isaiah reminded me God had prompted me to start reading through that prophet's words. Simeon is one of my favorite characters from the New Testament, his willingness to wait his whole life to see the promised Messiah. Both of these were great encouraging words and gave me some direction for the year ahead of me.
Trajectory was a curious word, I wondered if the trajectory of things I've been working on might take a turn for the better. I waited and kept watch. There was not much to see in the way of change so I continued on with my life until July.
July came and my work schedule took a serious turn, one that meant a drastic change in the trajectory of my usual daily and weekly schedule. Without going into a ton of detail here, I have lost all of my morning time due to needing to start work very early most days. Many of you who follow me here know that my usual daily schedule involved spending time with Abba at a park near where I work prior to going into work. I also led a small group of men in a time of study on Tuesdays. In addition, several of my Spiritual Direction clients are on the east coast so I would meet with them at 6am my time. All of this was disrupted by the change in my work schedule.
Fortunately I've been able to work around this change and have been able to maintain my schedule with my clients, but everything else has been scrapped.
For several weeks I was reeling a little, it felt like I got kicked in the gut. This was not the trajectory change I envisioned and was looking for. Frankly, I felt a little abandoned by God. I struggled with this as I tried to find a regular time with Abba. Many evenings now I am sitting out front with my dog Murphy as I wrestle with these changes.
I noticed a distance between God and I. It felt like I'd been led out into deep water, I'd often felt He was doing this at times, inviting me out deeper into Him. He always felt near during those times and it was comforting to know He was there even though the water was deep. This time it seemed He was off a distance, not so far that I was all on my own, but a distance that made this experience of going deeper different, a bit more risky.
In the midst of this time, I've been trying to prepare for the sixth prayer retreat that I facilitate. These have been sponsored by my local church, but I have been getting some odd messages about the future of this sponsorship. This adds to some of the deepness of these days, with some days me feeling like I can barely keep my head above water.
Some clarity came when I was having a conversation with my Spiritual Director. I realized the distance was needed, similar to when children are learning to walk. Without some loving distance, a toddler won't find their legs and learn to walk. Jesus was doing something similar with me. I believe He is telling me, "I know you can do this, but you don't and you won't find your 'legs' unless I give you some distance".
There is a lot stirring right now, but the main thing is I still feel deeply compelled to continue with hosting retreats. I am not sure what that is going to look like, but I believe I need to figure out how to go independent in facilitating future retreats, perhaps growing them in content and frequency. I don't know how to do this, but I think this may be part of what the shift in trajectory looks for me.
We are often surprised by events that disrupt us. God was gracious in the warning back in January and He has not left me alone with this shift. Our enemy would like us to question God's goodness, His kindness when life disrupts, but I am believing those are the times we are offered an opportunity to strengthen our legs as we learn to stand and walk in the authority of Jesus.
Blessings in whatever disruption may come your way!
