Sacramento is on the Pacific flyway so there are a fair number of Canadian geese that flock in the park I frequent in the mornings. Lately there are fewer and fewer, they are moving northward. This morning a goose flapped awkwardly into a cottonwood tree right next to where I was. It sat looking desolately for easy flight out but apparently couldn't find it. I could "fear" it out by climbing the tree but is that the proper role of a more powerful being? Do we infringe on another with fear even if for it's own good? The goose's mate, after looking up at the tree for some time, joined and the two sat squawking noisily to each other. They will work it out, I am sure.
My 30 year sojourn with depression and despair created in me a core of anger. My family learned quickly how to navigate around that elephant in the room as if walking on eggshells. Having walked out of that prison cell, the depression and despair have dissipated and my anger has been answered by Abba's kind hand. But I still see vestiges of my family's coping mechanisims. Fear of me was a poor way to live for all of us. Happily, this dynamic has changed but I've thought some about this dynamic in relation to walking with Holy Abba.
What place does fear have in our walk with Him? How long can fear sustain a relationship? Does a relationship started in fear move to something more enfolding of our complete heart? Can we come to know His heart if we don't move out of fear? Fear. I do wonder if our language is not precise enough to convey what is biblical fear. I don't have an answer regarding the precise meaning of the word as used in Scripture and that is not where I am going today with this. Perhaps later I will, though.
How might God feel about us continuing in fear of Him, always creeping around Him as if on eggshells? One of the events of that day of Galgotha gives me a hint; the veil was torn, top to bottom. The significance of that tearing can not be underplayed. The Holy of Holies is thrown open, wide open. Jesus' words that day, spoken to a fellow sufferer on a cross are words for us as well.
Today.... with me.... in paradise.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Random Writing Thoughts
I usually write in my journal, a cheap spiral bound notebook that fits well in my Bible cover, before I write here. Today I have the desire to simply write a bit about writing here.
I started this not knowing where it would go and who might look in and read. I wasn't sure who might wander in but I did have my original friends who said I should do this who would probably read here. I have some "flesh-on" friends who have told me they are enjoying what I am writing here and that always surprises me a bit. To be perfectly frank, I am fairly torn about this. I think in all of us is the desire to be noticed, to do something that is appreciated by others and at the same time we are a bit embarrassed when we get the notice. At least that is my experience.
There is a function here that allows me to see where people are from that have checked in and the frequency of pageviews. I am curious about some of you. There is someone in Malaysia who has read here several times. Albania is another country that is showing up. This past week someone in Columbia also has checked in a couple of times. Botswana is another country but I know who that is, I have a friend who lost his wife a year and a half ago who is now teaching there in Africa. Part of me is very curious about some of you.
There is a place to make comments but few have opted to say anything. I am not very good at all the different settings in blogspot and have not been able to make those comments appear under the postings. Perhaps conversations might ensue if I could do that. But again, there is this part of me, the insecurity I carry a bit too heavy in my heart, that may not want to read comments. It does leave me a bit curious though.
I've also noticed something else about how I've gone about writing here. I find myself struggling to "wrap it up" all neat and tidy. Lately this issue has kept me from writing some things. I've got some ideas rattling around in my head but I don't know how to wrap them up in neat little packages. I wait for that and the waiting caused me to stop for nearly a month. Interesting though, in that month of my quietude, more folk came to read here than any other time. I am curious about that.
So, I have ideas; three homeless men and a cigarette lighter, weeds, incarnation. I was sitting outside this afternoon reading a chapter of a book for a small group my wife and I are members of. At the same time I was reflecting on several of these ideas and decided I will just start to write about them and not worry so much about making neat, tidy packages of them. I've also decided, especially with the idea about incarnation, that I might need several posts.
I am not "trained" to really write about theology, that isn't really my intent and I know I might not get it "right". That isn't what this has ever been about, but there are times I wonder if I am not just now discovering things that everyone else already knows. That makes me giggle a bit inside. I added the little phrase under the blog title a few weeks back. It sort of sums up why I write here. I am just an ordinary guy looking for the transcendence of God in ordinary places....... like weeds.
I could have used some editing..... too many "really"s..... oh well. (edited Monday, 4/18/11)
I started this not knowing where it would go and who might look in and read. I wasn't sure who might wander in but I did have my original friends who said I should do this who would probably read here. I have some "flesh-on" friends who have told me they are enjoying what I am writing here and that always surprises me a bit. To be perfectly frank, I am fairly torn about this. I think in all of us is the desire to be noticed, to do something that is appreciated by others and at the same time we are a bit embarrassed when we get the notice. At least that is my experience.
There is a function here that allows me to see where people are from that have checked in and the frequency of pageviews. I am curious about some of you. There is someone in Malaysia who has read here several times. Albania is another country that is showing up. This past week someone in Columbia also has checked in a couple of times. Botswana is another country but I know who that is, I have a friend who lost his wife a year and a half ago who is now teaching there in Africa. Part of me is very curious about some of you.
There is a place to make comments but few have opted to say anything. I am not very good at all the different settings in blogspot and have not been able to make those comments appear under the postings. Perhaps conversations might ensue if I could do that. But again, there is this part of me, the insecurity I carry a bit too heavy in my heart, that may not want to read comments. It does leave me a bit curious though.
I've also noticed something else about how I've gone about writing here. I find myself struggling to "wrap it up" all neat and tidy. Lately this issue has kept me from writing some things. I've got some ideas rattling around in my head but I don't know how to wrap them up in neat little packages. I wait for that and the waiting caused me to stop for nearly a month. Interesting though, in that month of my quietude, more folk came to read here than any other time. I am curious about that.
So, I have ideas; three homeless men and a cigarette lighter, weeds, incarnation. I was sitting outside this afternoon reading a chapter of a book for a small group my wife and I are members of. At the same time I was reflecting on several of these ideas and decided I will just start to write about them and not worry so much about making neat, tidy packages of them. I've also decided, especially with the idea about incarnation, that I might need several posts.
I am not "trained" to really write about theology, that isn't really my intent and I know I might not get it "right". That isn't what this has ever been about, but there are times I wonder if I am not just now discovering things that everyone else already knows. That makes me giggle a bit inside. I added the little phrase under the blog title a few weeks back. It sort of sums up why I write here. I am just an ordinary guy looking for the transcendence of God in ordinary places....... like weeds.
I could have used some editing..... too many "really"s..... oh well. (edited Monday, 4/18/11)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Moab
As I write I am sitting at the Denver airport waiting for my next leg of my trip home sipping a Caribou iced dark chocolate mocha. I am tired but reflective of a good time in Moab. I never counted how many men were there but I believe it was 16 or 17 from Pennsylvania, Colorado, Idaho, Ohio, West Virginia, Arizona, Kansas, Michigan, Nebraska and California. Our stories intersected for five days in the high desert of Moab.
God spoke. I went into this time with some uncertainty, the old lies of "You don't belong" nipped a bit at the edges of my heart a day or two before leaving. There were many times I sat and respectfully listened; many of these men have lived lives I can't imagine. Stories of guns and ammunition, hunting, sports, time spent in the military. These are things I know little of and I would be less than honest if I dtdn't admit to a bit of tension in me as I silently battled those old lies. Lies they are though, and I felt included in this eclectic gathering of men.
He also spoke in the conversations I had, learning of job loss, broken marriages, children returning to God, a man standing up to family members to protect his wife. I could go on with those stories, it was a deep privilege to be trusted with the holiness of Abba's movement in their lives.
Amidst all the talking and laughing (plenty of it) there were times of sitting in companionable silence with some very special men. All too often we are not comfortable with silence, especially when with others. We want to fill the space with words and feel a tension without them. God blessed me with a few men who can sit easily in the absence of spoken words. This moved me deeply.
Abba also spoke through the sheer beauty of Moab. I knew I needed this, time to savor beauty, but I had no idea until I entered Arches National Park for the first time on Thursday, the depth of that need. My eyes filled with tears and my heart warmed. It was as if I could breath for the first time in months. I won't try to describe the beauty of these places, Arches and Canyonlands National Parks.
I went on this trip hoping for a word, something either new or a reminder of Abba's intimate love for me. What I found was a lavish, wild beauty that was not intimate. The beauty called deeply to me, asking me to allow Him to enlarge me out of my smallness. These places dwarf you as you stand amidst the red rock spires, arches and canyons. I am stumbling for the proper words without finding the right ones. What I saw and heard was Abba saying again, "I am".
God spoke. I went into this time with some uncertainty, the old lies of "You don't belong" nipped a bit at the edges of my heart a day or two before leaving. There were many times I sat and respectfully listened; many of these men have lived lives I can't imagine. Stories of guns and ammunition, hunting, sports, time spent in the military. These are things I know little of and I would be less than honest if I dtdn't admit to a bit of tension in me as I silently battled those old lies. Lies they are though, and I felt included in this eclectic gathering of men.
He also spoke in the conversations I had, learning of job loss, broken marriages, children returning to God, a man standing up to family members to protect his wife. I could go on with those stories, it was a deep privilege to be trusted with the holiness of Abba's movement in their lives.
Amidst all the talking and laughing (plenty of it) there were times of sitting in companionable silence with some very special men. All too often we are not comfortable with silence, especially when with others. We want to fill the space with words and feel a tension without them. God blessed me with a few men who can sit easily in the absence of spoken words. This moved me deeply.
Abba also spoke through the sheer beauty of Moab. I knew I needed this, time to savor beauty, but I had no idea until I entered Arches National Park for the first time on Thursday, the depth of that need. My eyes filled with tears and my heart warmed. It was as if I could breath for the first time in months. I won't try to describe the beauty of these places, Arches and Canyonlands National Parks.
I went on this trip hoping for a word, something either new or a reminder of Abba's intimate love for me. What I found was a lavish, wild beauty that was not intimate. The beauty called deeply to me, asking me to allow Him to enlarge me out of my smallness. These places dwarf you as you stand amidst the red rock spires, arches and canyons. I am stumbling for the proper words without finding the right ones. What I saw and heard was Abba saying again, "I am".
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Incremental
I am leaving tomorrow for several days in Moab Utah with a bunch of guys, my Ransomed Heart brothers. A few of these men I've met face-to-face, most I've only "conversed" with on a forum, now defunct, that was sponsored by Ransomed Heart. If you asked me six years ago if I'd ever do something like this, I would have answered with an emphatic "No!".
What happened?
To answer I need to briefly describe who I was. I grew up deathly afraid of men. Through some very dark, destructive experiences in my early formative years coupled with absolute ineptitude in the arena of sports where most boys acquire a sense of belonging and a very lonely childhood in rural California (yes, it does exist), I came into adulthood believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I didn't fit into the world of men. I'm an untrained singer with an eye towards all things beautiful who will break out in a cold sweat if you put a baseball glove on my left hand.
Today, I am looking forward to five days in Utah with a bunch of men. Truly there has been a transformation of my heart, but how did that happen?
Incrementally, bit by bit, small step by small step. Jesus has done what He said He came to do when He read from Isaiah 61, "bind up broken hearts, set captives free, give sight to the blind".
Often we want the big "AHA!" moment where clarity rushes in and a new thing is known for certain; our lives take a new trajectory. I've had a few of those moments these past six years but mostly this has been a walk of step-by-step trust in His words for me; believing I am a new man with a new heart, that there is something more true about me than who I once believed I was.
Part of Jesus' work is transforming us into His likeness, walking as He created us to be. But I have found this is a long, slow process accomplished in increments marked along the way as I cooperate with His promptings. Its not been an easy journey nor has it always been an "always forward" one. Every once in a while He gives me a glimpse backward and I see how far the two of us have come. Today is one of those moments. I can't wait to get on the plane tomorrow, can't wait to be with these men. Yes, some of the old lies will spring up and I may taste once again some of my old fears, but facing these fears, with Jesus, is part of this incremental process of transformation. I am no longer looking for the big moments, but the small steps.
What happened?
To answer I need to briefly describe who I was. I grew up deathly afraid of men. Through some very dark, destructive experiences in my early formative years coupled with absolute ineptitude in the arena of sports where most boys acquire a sense of belonging and a very lonely childhood in rural California (yes, it does exist), I came into adulthood believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I didn't fit into the world of men. I'm an untrained singer with an eye towards all things beautiful who will break out in a cold sweat if you put a baseball glove on my left hand.
Today, I am looking forward to five days in Utah with a bunch of men. Truly there has been a transformation of my heart, but how did that happen?
Incrementally, bit by bit, small step by small step. Jesus has done what He said He came to do when He read from Isaiah 61, "bind up broken hearts, set captives free, give sight to the blind".
Often we want the big "AHA!" moment where clarity rushes in and a new thing is known for certain; our lives take a new trajectory. I've had a few of those moments these past six years but mostly this has been a walk of step-by-step trust in His words for me; believing I am a new man with a new heart, that there is something more true about me than who I once believed I was.
Part of Jesus' work is transforming us into His likeness, walking as He created us to be. But I have found this is a long, slow process accomplished in increments marked along the way as I cooperate with His promptings. Its not been an easy journey nor has it always been an "always forward" one. Every once in a while He gives me a glimpse backward and I see how far the two of us have come. Today is one of those moments. I can't wait to get on the plane tomorrow, can't wait to be with these men. Yes, some of the old lies will spring up and I may taste once again some of my old fears, but facing these fears, with Jesus, is part of this incremental process of transformation. I am no longer looking for the big moments, but the small steps.
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