Lent Again

I am not sure my thoughts are ready for typing. I still feel drawn though to writing here.

This has been interesting. A couple things I'm noticing, I am realizing how easy it was for me to scratch the itch for a little mindless entertainment and I am noticing I "itch" a lot. I find myself wanting those few minutes playing mindless solitaire fairly often and then rather quickly realizing that I'm really hungry for something more. It has become an often made choice between distraction or paying attention to what is underneath the "itch". I am not finding it hard to say "No" to distraction because the hunger that is there leads me to noticing more of God in the moment.

I wonder if I am suppose to feel deprived, I really don't. I feel blessed to be hungry for Abba. The distraction was not allowing me to actually be hungry for Him. It was either covering up the underlying hunger or was moving me away from the desire. I am not sure which it is, it really isn't an important distinction.

I am noticing how easy and how often I moved towards the distraction. It is a little sobering for me to think of it in terms of the ease and frequency I indulged myself. It isn't about sin, rather it is about where I place my heart on my personal agenda. The distraction of the games moved me away from noticing my own heart. Volunteering to take away the distraction has allowed me to notice more carefully what makes my heart really beat.

I am also struck by how often I am called to participate in this act of noticing the desire. It goes a little like this: I want some "down" time with nearly mindless distraction, I say "No", I then notice my heart turning towards the desire for Him, I listen more carefully and notice the still small voice of the Spirit that dwells in me, the desire transforms into a bit more hunger, my heart is more in tune with His. It all happens in just a moment.

I am also noticing I am going straight to the desire without the initial prompt of the "itch", I am simply hungry more often for a conscious sense of PRESENCE.

I've got some other thoughts regarding this experience, but I think I will save those thoughts and let them percolate for another time typing here.

Still game-less, Kelly

Lent

Last Sunday afternoon I was sitting backstage at my church, deep in rehearsal for a program planned for Maundy Thursday - the Thursday prior to Good Friday. I was sitting between two other actors while we waited for our next entrances. All three of us had some time before we would be needed on stage, plus our director was working with a fellow actor on a long solo passage. Each on either side of me had pulled out their phones and were playing different games.

I don't normally say anything like this, but I just blurted out, "I took my games off my phone for Lent". I don't know why I said it, I really didn't want to come off as super spiritual and I normally don't draw attention to my personal spiritual practices, it just came out. Val, my friend to my right, said something to the effect that she thought Lent was something Catholics do. I've known her a long time and knew it was offered without any judgement, it was just her immediate thought. I think I responded in some way that indicated that I no longer believed it was just a Catholic thing.

The little exchange got me to thinking.

I grew up semi-regularly attending a small Baptist church in Nevada City, CA. Lent was never discussed, it was simply ignored by the Baptists. I don't recall anyone telling me it was a Catholic thing, but I picked up on this when my best boyhood friend, Kevin, asked me once what I was giving up for Lent. His family was Catholic. I remember him being amazed that I knew nothing of Lent. I think I've always been open to the idea but never spent time in any community that observed Lent.

A few years back our previous Senior Pastor introduced it and encouraged folk to observe these 40 days prior to Easter with a time of preparation. Frankly, for the last several years since then, I've done something during this time of Lent; usually some intentional time in personal observance through reading and writing, but I've never given something up during this time.

Last week I enrolled in an on-line Lent Devotional series offered by a friend. I thought that might be the extent of my observation of this season, but on Wednesday I pulled out my phone and sensed a nudge to delete the two games I had on my phone - two different versions of Solitaire. Let me share what I am noticing so far.

I find myself wanting the amusement those games offered. In fact, as I type this on my laptop, I am tempted to take a break and play a few rounds. Frankly, I find it relaxes me and my mind moves into a creative space. It is somewhat mindless in a way that allows me to free-think things at the same time. I do enjoy the amusement, though.

Often, in these last few days, I find myself wanting to pull out my phone and play a little. When I feel that pull, I find myself asking God, "What is this about? Why do I need to be amused right now?" It is a kind of hunger and as I sit with the hunger for amusement, I am finding my hunger for something deeper from Abba growing. The absence of immediate gratification is drawing me into a deeper hunger for Him. This isn't about deprivation, its about desiring Him in a deeper, more heart-centered way.

I've not written anything here since last August, that may have been my longest absence from this blog. I am thinking I may just come here more often these next few weeks prior to Easter and write what I observe during this time of Lent. I am already finding words that have been absent since last August.

-Your friend,
 Gameless Kelly