My wife and I took a much anticipated trip the first week of August to the Grand Canyon. Neither of us had ever been there so we hitched up our new-to-us trailer and drove the 800 miles to this magnificent sight. Oh my, was it something. It is so huge, so magnificent, it almost doesn't seem real. It nearly felt like looking at a huge wall papered with the canyon. I couldn't take my eyes off it. We were only there about a day and a half so we didn't have much time. We were with another couple so on our full day there together we decided to take a tour. It was a good idea because someone else was driving and giving us insight into the sites we viewed along the canyon road. I took a bunch of pictures but frankly, they don't do it justice.
I've had the opportunity to visit several national parks: Yosemite, Lassen, Crater Lake, Redwood, Grand Teton, Yellowstone, Arches and Canyonland are some I've been able to visit. Most of them I've had the opportunity to get out and hike a bit, experience being "in" the wonder these places hold. Unfortunately our trip to the Grand Canyon was too short for me to get into the canyon. There is something about getting into these places that brings them closer. When we get back, and hopefully that will be soon, I plan on hiking into the canyon. I am not one of those that would need to get clear to the bottom but I really do need to get into it for the beauty of it to become more real. It felt like we were just on the edge and something for me was lacking in our gazes along the edge of this site.
It did cause me to think of how we experience the love of God. Are we too content with "head knowledge" of who He is and unwilling to get deeper into what He has for us? I wonder if our fixation on knowing the information Scripture gives us, just a mere slice of Him, keeps us from actually knowing Him, His love so deep, so wide, so all encompasing, keeping us at a "safe" distance, just standing on the edge of Him when He wants us to go so much deeper. Going deeper though can feel a bit frightening. It calls us to be more open, vulnerable, honest with Him about how little we really know of Him and how little we know of ourselves. The path deeper is narrow and rocky at times, just as a path into the Grand Canyon has risks.
Some things have recently entered my life that have stirred some things in my heart, things I'd rather not face. I've agreed to participate in a couple of endeavors that have caused this stirring. One endeavor will play out over the next three months, the other is more open-ended without a set "sunset". I believe Abba wants me in both situations so it might be logical to assume a broad road as I journey down the path of these endeavors. I am finding a narrow rocky road instead.
One path is a well trod one involving places in me I usually enjoy. I usually sense feelings of satisfaction because it aligns with some of my abilities. The other is working on a committee tasked with a very important job in the life of my ecclesiastical community. Both situations are in their infancy.
At this point I am finding some uncomfortable things arising. Old wounds, jealousy, fear and deep seated feelings of incompetence wash over me at times. In one situation I will see things that may need to be spoken to but I will need to remain silent; in the other I will be expected to speak but I have no words at this point. Both have brought on some anxiety.
In our christian culture of "God has a wonderful plan for your life" we don't easily equate anxiety with such a plan. When anxiety does arise we might second guess our decision and His leading down certain paths. So what do we do with this anxiousness and the things being stirred? Do I "white knuckle" it trying to make the best of it without really engaging what God might be wanting to do? We often hold on in these situations wanting to get through to the other side, traversing as quickly as possible the uncomfortable terrain in our hearts. I know in one endeavor there are others struggling with some of the same questions I'm struggling with; "Why was I not chosen to do what I know I can do well?", or "Why were they chosen?". Sometimes we then turn this to God and question His goodness with "If You've given me this ability, why did this door remain closed for me?" Maybe it even comes to questioning the notion of any real plan for our lives that leads to significance in His kingdom.
I'm not happy with where this has led me. These things have stirred me to a startling conclusion, I'm not well. But another, more breath-taking thought comes on the heels of "I'm not well", Jesus came for the sick, not those who have deluded themselves into religious wellness with pithy little quotes to get them "white knuckling" quickly through these times.
So now I ponder the interior stirring in my heart that these two endeavors have caused. Perhaps this is part of going deeper into the canyon of His love. It is an opportunity to turn to the lover of my soul, my Abba and my elder brother Jesus and try to release to a safe place some of the ugly things I have found on this path downward into Him. I look expectantly for the healing touch only His indwelling Spirit can bring to what He has stirred in me.
Its not an easy path downward but it is real, bringing me closer to His heart. For some time I have not been content to stand on the edge of the canyon of His great love. I have experienced a deepening in my relationship with Him so I know, by faith, He will be doing something good on these paths He's asked me to journey on even if there are some uncomfortable things ahead.
Closer to His heart, deeper in the canyon of His love, isn't that what we all want?
