Borderland

This week has been quite a ride. I am currently sitting on my front porch with a fine cigar, tall glass of ice water in hand and the white glow of my computer shining through dirty glasses as I try to piece together something cogent about this week.

I have been a loner most of my life so reflection and contemplation seem to come easily to me, or so I thought. The intrapersonal world resonates with me and the entrance into that world is simply being in a natural setting, thus I am outdoors as I write. It was good to learn about these areas and how they speak and operate for and to me. The framework has helped to define the areas and thereby shows me the areas where I am weak.

As I said, I thought reflection and contemplation came easy to me.  I am sure they still do but I hit a wall this week.  After nearly constant reflection through all the classes I’ve been through since January, I am empty of the energy needed to listen well. I am listening to my body in this and I am finding something beyond physical depletion. I seem to have come to the end of something within me in regards to this inner life.

In listening to my body, I am not finding angst over this apparent emptiness but rather peace. It is okay to find the edge of myself where, without letting God expand the border, I would not go any farther. I cannot push any farther but I am residing on the border of as-far-as-I-can-go and the-territory-of-where-God-will-take-me-next.  I am hearing Him tell me to rest on this border.

I am also hearing I should not retreat. A retreat into indulgence to relieve this emptiness would thwart the work God is intending. My past patterns when faced with weariness is to indulge in something that blunts the aloneness of this kind of desert. I sense Him inviting me to wait with Him on this desert edge and breathe in the beauty of simply being with Him.

Timing is critical, or the lack thereof. Checking my watch, metaphorically speaking, is to mark the time and He is asking me to enter into His timelessness. When He chooses to move me past the border is up to Him. In this holy timelessness I find satisfaction and peace for the emptiness. It is not up to me to refill my soul, I just need to drink from whatever cup He brings that will replenish what is depleted.

Without gentleness directed towards myself, this would be an uncomfortable place. I normally deal harshly with myself but some of this week’s work has been about gentleness. This is a new and serene oasis I once thought was not for me. I am liking this space God has created for me on the edge of what is to come.