Mom

As I sit writing this my mother is in a hospital. Sunday while Gail and I slept soundly in her sister's home, a delightful home set in the thick forest outside of Nevada City, a phone rang with the word mom was being taken to the hospital. I quickly gathered my things and started the trek out of the forest and into the world of a busy ER.

Mom was in bad shape. Heart failure had spiked in her aged body, fluid had filled her and labored breathing had done its deed and pneumonia was suspected. While sitting with her I watched the monitor counting her heartbeats jump from 68 to 130, then back to the mid 60's. Eventually her doctor who would manage her care came. A kind man, Dr. Rafik, explained she was also in renal failure. Her kidneys were in bad shape. After explaining all they would do to help her, we settled into waiting for a hospital room. It took a long time but eventually she was settled in.

Today at work I felt the need to be there, by her side for a while. I left work early and arrived at the hospital. My timing was perfect in that Dr. Rafik was on the floor and talked to me.  Mom is responding well and her kidneys are functioning better.  She looked good for a 92 year old.

Mom has been a difficult person. Her three children have needed to deal with the fallout of mom's mercurial personality. We never knew if we would have "nice mom" or "angry mom". Of her three children, I am the only one who is geographically close so the oversight of her care in these declining years falls to Gail and I.

This is not her first hospitalization. Numerous visits have occurred since early 2010 when she fell and broke a hip. That visit was interesting in that we had not talked for a year. We'd had an issue and she told me our relationship was over. I attempted to re-connect but she would have nothing of it. That year she sent me a birthday card, one of those flowery "Son you are wonderful" cards. She'd signed it, "You have made it impossible for me to even look at you. Mom". That gives you a glimpse into the world I've tried to navigate with my difficult mom.

Healing is interesting. With each subsequent hospitalization I've had to lay aside this fractious history between us. Each hospitalization was a stripping off of something in me. Often I've thought what it will feel like when she is finally gone. A sense of relief was the lead emotion followed by guilt and emptiness.

Today I am sensing a stab of grief. Real, honest grief. I see this tiny woman and a love for her is found. It is good to come full circle after a very long time in a journey with her.

This coming around to this point of love is interesting given where I am right now. As written earlier, I am at a place of emptiness and waiting for God's cup to drink from for refreshment. Here is one of the cups He is offering. It is a cup I did not know I was thirsty for.